Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Tanaka Deciding Between Cubbies & Evil Ones?

UPDATE: Cubs blowing away field
Multiple reports now suggest that Masahiro Tanaka has narrowed the field down to two teams: Theo Epstein's Chicago Cubs and The Evil Empire. In the interest of helping him decide—and maybe broadening his options—we offer the following:

1.) While it is true that Chicago currently has the highest murder rate in America, New York's new Mayor Bill de Blasio (real name Warren Wilhelm, Jr.—no kidding, you could look it up) will rectify that in short order. Boston is much safer than both—just sayin';

2.) While New York-style pizza is far superior to Chicago deep-dish—the pizza at Regina's in Boston's North End beats both by a country kilometer;

3.) While Theo used to be brilliant, his 'smart genes' have mystically been transferred to Ben Cherington. The Yankees' Brian Cashman? Feh!;

4.) Criminal masterminds: Chicago—Al Capone; New York—John Gotti; Boston: Whitey Bulger. Only Bulger still survives.

The choice is clear, Masahiro!