Thursday, December 20, 2018

Oddly, Yankees Ask Machado To Explain What Makes Him The Perfect Yankee

Strangely, when the New York Yankees met with Manny Machado yesterday, they asked him to "explain" his post-season "antics" (you know, spiking and tripping opposing players—stuff like that) and his "I'm no Johnny Hustle" comments. You would think these would serve as the ideal set of qualifications for The Perfect Yankee Player. I mean, come on—dirty play, placing yourself over the team—put on the pinstripes, baby! You couldn't design a better Bronx Embalmer than Machado. The Pinstriped Posers should shower him with record cash and sign him immediately! It appears that only the Phillies and White Sox are serious suitors aside from New York, so let's get it on! "Character" concerns have never troubled The Evil Ones before—why start now? He would serve as the perfect long-term foil for us Red Sox fans—19 times a year, and that one sweet moment when he strikes out again to end a playoff series against us (collapsing to his knees in the process). Ah, these visions are dancing like sugar plums in our collective heads. Bring him to the Bronx, Steinbrenner Brood!