Thursday, April 14, 2016

REPORT—Sox To Panda: Lose Weight Before You Play

Multiple reports indicate what we suspected—Pablo Sandoval has no "shoulder strain", it's just a convenient punitive case of "Fenway Flu". In fact, reports now suggest that the team has told The Panda that unless 1.) he loses weight and 2.) Travis Shaw struggles, he may never see the field again for The Carmine Hose. Clearly, Dave Dombrowski wants to unload Sandoval and his big contract in a trade—but the once hot-to-trot San Diego Padres have cooled their ardor. He may be looking for other suitors. Stay tuned!